


voices

by 1989vissy



Series: marvel bingo 2019 [5]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, But it's sad, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Hallucinations, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, No Suicide Attempts, Not Beta Read, POV Second Person, Self-Esteem Issues, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, im not sure how to tag this, let's see, my bad forgot to tag that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 03:24:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20324284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1989vissy/pseuds/1989vissy
Summary: it's so hard to think straight. anger is flowing through your veins, and you can not sleep, because you can not close your eyes and not seebucky oh god bucky i lost him i couldn't save himandsam where had sam been was he alone was he afraidandoh god oh god why them why couldn't it have been me?•••or five times steve thought he heard sam and bucky, and one time he did.





	voices

**Author's Note:**

> be mindful of the tags!

The first time, a week has passed since the snap. You're with Natasha- you haven't left her side since the snap _(you can not lose another friend),_ and she has not left yours _(she needs to be grounded)._

Everything seems distant right now, but you know Natasha is sleeping, her head on your shoulder, and you can hear the low buzz of TV, and there's food in front of you but it's getting cold _(that's okay, so are you)_ and you wonder how long you've been sitting here.

It's so hard to think straight. Anger is flowing through your veins, and you can not sleep, because you can not close your eyes and not see _Bucky oh God Bucky I lost him I couldn't save him_ and _Sam where had Sam been was he alone was he afraid_ and _oh God oh God why them why couldn't it have been ME?_

It's exhausting. It hurts you in a bone aching way. It burns and you don't think it will ever stop burning.

You wish you knew what to do, wish you could do anything that wasn't try and comfort people _(Wish you could do something to stop the burn oh God oh God)._

But you can't. 

You blink.

Your eyes refocus some, and you watch as the show on TV slowly becomes recognizable.

You ache. You want to sleep _(you want to die. You wonder if that would be so bad, if that would be worse than this is)._

So you close your eyes, because maybe it'll work this time and maybe you can tune out the noise and maybe you can sleep.

_(You can not.)_

Three minutes pass when you swear on your life you hear someone, hear something, and it's so familiar and it's saying your name and your eyes fly open.

Bucky. Bucky. Oh, God, was it Bucky?

Maybe this had all been a bad dream _(it was not, you'd gone over this)._ Maybe he was alive, maybe Sam was alive, maybe, maybe, maybe-

"Steve?"

_Bucky Bucky Bucky Bucky._

Your eyes dart to the side of you and- Natasha. Not Bucky. Not Sam.

Natasha, sitting up, eyes so concerned that it's unfair for you to be disappointed.

"Steve?" She repeats, "Rogers. You're shaking. What's wrong?"

You look down at your hands. Huh. When did that start?

You're only caught off guard for a moment, because it comes back, it comes back. The same voice and it's your name.

_Steve?_

You jump to your feet and your eyes roam the room wildly, wide with shock or fear or something in between that.

But there is no one but Natasha.

Natasha, who's repeating your name again. 

"I heard him." You say, eyes still wandering, as though that's an explanation, and Natasha immediately goes silent. "Bucky. Natasha, I heard him." You look at her pleadingly and she looks at you pitifully and it's just a sad cycle now, over and over again.

"Steve…"

You are shaking again and you feel like you can't breathe and _you heard him you heard him you heard him where was HE?_

You don't know what happened next, but you do know when you came back, you were on the couch and Natasha was stroking your hair. Russian singing was all you could hear, and tears stained your shirt.

You don't know if they were Nat's or your own.

_(You still ache.)_

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The second time it happens has to be unfair. It is unfair and it is cruel and you wish your head would leave you alone and let you breathe.

It's only been a day since they killed Thanos- or, since Thor killed Thanos, you suppose. Only a day.

A day, and you get the pleasure of watching firsthand as Pepper cries harder than she has in the past three weeks _(you don't know if it's out of joy or worry or something else)._

A day, and you get the pleasure of watching firsthand as Natasha finally breaks in two. It's one of the most terrifying things you've ever watched. You don't know how to help her. She doesn't cry, but she screams for a long, long time.

But that was at least four hours ago, and Natasha had fallen asleep in an actual bed this time, clutching an arrow necklace to her heart.

The second time, you are alone, and it is better that way.

Nebula and Rocket are leaving sometime tomorrow _(they didn't know when)._ Danvers was already gone _(they didn't know where)._

The second time, it's Sam, Sam laughing. Not at you, just laughing and you sit up so quickly, if you weren't packed full of serum you would've gotten lightheaded.

It is unfair of your mind to play these tricks.

You look around, look for the source, look for Sam Sam Sam. 

You do not think logically as you stand up and wander around, moving shit and throwing it as though Sam and Bucky and everyone else would just pop out and yell surprise.

You do not think logically, pretending like the stones hadn't been destroyed.

You do not think logically- or maybe you just don't think. Maybe you just act on impulse as you search and tear apart everything you can until a shatter pulls you out of your thoughts.

You look down. There is glass in your hand. Why is there glass in your hand? When did that happen? Where was Sam? 

Everything comes crashing back once again, like a train. You are barely able to hold back a sob.

You spent the next fifteen minutes pulling shards of glass out of your hands, careful not to wake up anyone _(Natasha)_ and you ache. Not because of the glass- that hurts, but in a way that you are all too used to.

This hurt is new, and you think you're getting all too used to it as well.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The third time, you think it's going to break you. Imagine that. You go through hell and back and this is what breaks you.

You have pushed the memories down, but you know Natasha still looks at you with that look on her face when she's trying to figure something out _ (you push that down too)._

The aching has not left. You can not get it to leave.

It's been- seven months, maybe. You're not sure. It's hard to keep track of time now.

You still can't sleep well, but it's better now. Because nightmares catch up quickly, but you can close your eyes without seeing them.

Tony and Pepper were gone. You aren't sure where, but you hope that they are happy- you hope they are okay.

Nebula and Rocket have been gone for a long time, so has Danvers, but you know they both check in with Nat often. So does Okoye, when she's not busy.

Rhodey has been following Barton's trail for the past month and a half with no luck. Bruce was off the grid _(you'd seen him online, though. It was weird)._ None of you have seen Thor since what happened. 

It's really just been you and Nat.

Natasha is doing everything she possibly can and you- you aren't sure. You don't know what to do anymore. The world doesn't need Captain America _(does not need you)._

Natasha suggests therapy, but you just scowl in return. You don't need therapy. If anyone needs therapy, it's her.

The third time is over dinner one night. Neither of them can cook, so it's Indian takeout instead. Natasha is curled up in her seat the way she always does. It's quiet, but not in an awkward way. It's quiet in a way they're used to.

It's peaceful, or at least as close to peaceful as the two of you could get.

Of course, that gets fucked up _(you fuck it up)._

It's not your fault, not really, but you still hear Bucky and you still react.

_Save any for me, Stevie?_

You damn near jump out of your skin and you should know better now but-

You look around wildly. 

_(This will be what breaks you.)_

There is no one there.

"-okay, Cap?" 

"I." You blink, your eyes refocus, and it is Natasha. She's looking up at you with that same look. "What?"

"I asked if you were okay." She repeats, and no no no no you are not I heard him again I want it to stop please I just-

You look around some more, as if you will find Bucky there, but you do not, and you can not find it in yourself to be disappointed.

_(This will be what breaks you.)_

"I'm okay." You reply after a moment too long, and Natasha raises an eyebrow, "I am. I promise. Just…" You but the inside of your cheek, "Just tired."

You know she does not believe you, but she doesn't say anything, so it's okay.

_(You know it's stupid, but you don't eat anymore and put it in the fridge, like you're five or some shit waiting for Santa. It is stupid, but it calms the aching for a little bit.)_

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The fourth time, it's been a year, and you know better than to react too much. You flinch when you swear to God that you heard Sam's voice again.

Natasha looks at you from the corner of her eye, but she doesn't say anything about it.

_(Maybe you will take up that therapy thing Natasha mentioned.)_

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The fifth time, it's been a year and a half, you do not react at all.

You push Bucky's voice down deep, and keep talking to the people at the therapy session.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

+1

It happens so many times that you lose count. You forget. You repress the memories and the fake voices and you hope for the best.

You do not react on the battlefield, because you know better. Your body aches but you know better than to fall for it. You ache but you know better than to fall for it.

_"Cap, you hear me?"_

Ignore it. Don't react. It's not real, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it.

Your breathing is rough, and the voice continues. Which is. Which is new.

_"Cap, it's Sam, can you hear me?"_

You bring your hand to your comms, and then there's this faint buzzing sound and-

_"On your left."_

T'Challa, Okoye, and Shuri come out of the portal and your breathing is labored and-

And you are barely able to hold yourself together as you watch Sam soar out of the portal, watch as more of them are created. 

_Oh, God. It's real, it's real, it's real, it worked. They're alive, they're alive, they're ALIVE._

Watch as your friends, your family, everyone, walks out. They did it, they did it, they did it.

Your eyes land on Bucky and then they go to Sam and back and forth and oh, thank God.

You don't know where you get the strength to utter the words "Avengers Assemble".

_(That is not true, you do know._

_It came from Sam and it came from Bucky and it came from knowing they're alive._

_It came from Natasha and knowing she was watching you._

_It came from knowing maybe you can be okay again.)_


End file.
